Belfast in june

Northern Ireland 

Dragging my suitcase around with a few hours to kill

I have told myself 15 times this morning that it doesn’t 

make sense to find the M&S to purchase a rose talc 

that I used to get when we lived in Qatar 

But my feet keep walking in that direction.

‘Move on to another kind of talc’

I say. ‘It’s ok. Life goes on’

GPS points toward M&S

I find it. And find the talc

I smell it. Ahh roses

I’m so pleased. Only £4

Pretty cheap as pleasures go

I buy it and cram it into my already full carry-on

Always room for a little more 

Suddenly concerned that the smell has awakened my memory

With alarming vividness 

I remember the happiness of home

Our home 

Our life 

A wave of grief is upon me

And I rush for the door

I’m standing on a busy street in Belfast 

my breath catching in my chest

Tears rushing up to meet the air I’m managing to gulp

I miss you so much 

I miss the warmth of our home

I miss the warmth of our life

My life now feels like the faux-life the babysitter tries to create 

Not ours. 

Not bad. 

But not ours. 

Like being at a friend’s for a sleepover
I’m desperate to go home 

I’m homesick and there’s nowhere to go that will fix that

Ever 

There is no home where you are not 

I can only bear this life when I forget what home was like

and pretend I’m on an extended stay somewhere else 

But it’s cold out here. I want to put my bags down and 

Collapse into your warmth

I stand on the street in Belfast

Lives walking by

None of them mine 

Tears falling

All of them mine

June 12, 2024